Box Of Jox

Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.

It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they’ve got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? George Carlin

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.

I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting.

Trail mix containing chocolate is just a deconstructed candy bar.

Best of luck to Steve Jobs retiring with most of my disposable income.

“Knock knock,”
“Who’s there?”
“Grandpa . . ”
“Wait! Stop the funeral!”

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Dyslexia.”
“Dyslexia how?”

It’s time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

Not even my skin is skintight.

I’m 0 for 145 at pulling random books on people’s bookcases and having it lead to a secret passageway.

I hate cliches. They’re a dime a dozen.

Windows 95 came out 16 years ago today, which means it’s old enough to drive. And crash a lot.

In the restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”

I measure my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me.

The neighbor just asked if I was stealing their wifi, felt like such an invasion of my piracy.

If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.

The pen is mightier than the sword and I’m generous. So if we ever duel, I’ll let you have the pen.